Ok, no, no, not at this very minute, so don't get all in a panic or anything.
I guess it just hit me, like, TODAY.
I finally finished work on Friday. It was a great day, and I'm hoping to publish a post with pictures from graduation soon (just waiting for permission to post the pics).
But I noticed that even with work being done, my anxiety persisted. A feeling of needing to do something, but not being sure what. Every morning I wake up with a tight chest (my body's favourite way of expressing anxiety) and I lie there wondering, "WHY am I anxious?" And then I get up and kind of spin in circles all day, feeling frustrated, like I'm not doing something I should be doing, but not sure what that something is.
Our weekend was busy with Christmas shopping and friends, and so yesterday was the first day I had all to myself. I just worked myself into a state, cleaning, writing Christmas cards, applying for EI, all with that nagging feeling that I needed to do more NOW. Very frustrating.
And then, today, it started to all make sense. I went to the midwife, by myself for the first time in months as Jeff was working, and I noticed the mood had shifted. Suddenly, she was talking about the "home stretch." I got my "binder" full of all my medical info as well as stimulating reading material on topics such as perineal massage ("massage" being a bit of a misnomer, methinks). I was told about preparing my "hospital bag" and other necessary supplies. And I was informed that this was the last bi-weekly appointment. From here on in, it's once a week. YIKES! Both the midwife and I wondered where all the time had gone.
Then she measured me and felt around for the baby (still posterior, but at least not breech!) And then she suddenly said, "Oh, you're having a Braxton Hicks contraction." And I said, "WHAT are you talking about?" And she said, "See how you're all tight right now? That's a Braxton Hicks contraction." And I was like, "Really? It is? That happens all the time!"
Now I know, Braxton Hicks is not the real thing. It's just you're body getting ready. But somehow this little revelation changed everything. I mean, I've been experiencing these tightening sensations very regularly. I never thought they were Braxton Hicks. I just didn't really think at all. I thought those would at least hurt a little bit.
So all day, I've been walking around thinking, "oh, there's another one." And then, "oh my goodness... this is for real." I picked up Jeff from work, told him all about the appointment and said, "So, we're really having a baby. Like, in ONE MONTH, we'll be holding our little Peanut! This is CRAZY!" He just smiled. And then I came home and checked my email. And there was my weekly email update about the pregnancy. The quotes couldn't have been more timely...
'For many women, the last weeks of pregnancy are when "reality hits." It's taken this long, says Alford, for it to really sink in that she's actually having a baby.'
'As you make the journey from pregnancy into motherhood, you're bound to have some mixed feelings. Not only is your body becoming cumbersome, but you've got a lot on your mind. You may feel overwhelmed by how much there is to do and think about.'
Um, ya. I would say that about sums it up.
So tomorrow, when I wake up to the all-too-familiar chest pains, I'll know what it's all about:
I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!!