Saturday, May 22, 2010

Take a deep breath.

Let the realization wash over you again, as it does each month.

Embrace the cranky mood. No, this time it's not due to the rainy weather. Embrace the caffeine cravings. Go ahead, have a second tea. Denying it won't make it go away. Embrace the yearning for junk food. But don't give in if you can help it. You've been trying to eat healthier. Embrace the slight bloating and cramping. Take a nap if you need to. Tell your nearest and dearest that you need to have space to be left alone. For just one day. I need just one day, please. I promise I'll come back soon.

Let the tears fall and let all the dark thoughts come in. But don't let them stay for long. The doubt, the anger, the sadness, the hopelessness, and most of all, the fear. Ask God again what it is that he wants, or that you're doing wrong. Shake your fist at him if you need to. He can take it.

And then, surrender it all again. Surrender the dreams, the dashed plans. Re-arrange the future ... again. Admit again that you're not in control, that it's no use trying to plan it all out. Somehow, hold on to hope, though you're mostly convinced it will never happen again. You are a pessimist at heart, after all.

Finally, once it is all confirmed, go on and open the bottle of wine. Pour yourself a glass or two. Invite friends over again, engross yourself in good conversations and other people's lives, and just . move . on. Because life is still very, very good.

Yes, another month is done.


Suzanne said...

Thanks for sharing Kath. I love you.

Erika said...

sorry i haven't read this sooner, kathy. i'm sorry and i would like to give you a hug. your writing is amazing and i wish more women could read it that are in the same situation. love you and your beautiful family. and yes, it will happen again; we believe it will.