I spent a lot of time with this girl today.
Now that the weather has finally turned our way, I've decided that Sunday morning is my favourite time of the week. Sunday morning has become slow and gentle. If the rush of Saturday has disappointed, Sunday calls to me like an old friend and encourages me to try again. I don't have to prove anything to Sunday. It just plunks itself down on a patio chair and asks me to do the same. It has no agenda, asks no big questions; it just desires my time and company.
Thank God for Sunday mornings.
This morning, we took our oatmeal outside. I was filled, re-filled, with hope and joy as I sat back, a satisfied customer, taking in sip after sip of tea while soaking in the sun. After breakfast, Kaiya and I went for a walk around the neighbourhood, her on her shiny, new, purple bike, and me strolling along behind. The streets were wonderfully quiet, and I enjoyed the sight of families gathered around breakfast tables, and grown kids stopping in on their moms with big bouquets of flowers. Kaiya pedaled on ahead while I sauntered, taking in all the smells of spring... freshly-cut grass, magnolia blooms... and the beautiful sights... the greens, blues, reds, and yellows of nature.
I was mindful today of my gifts. Over and over, I thanked God for blessing me with Kaiya. I remembered that in the midst of our conception uncertainties, I AM a mother. I am no less of a mother because I "only" have one child. And our family is complete. Kaiya is not deprived. And even on the days when I most question my abilities as a mom, I do a damn good job of taking care of her. Of raising her, and instilling the values I believe to be important.
Yes, the self-doubt monsters were unkind this week.
I thanked Kaiya (don't worry...mostly in my head) for who she is and for the gift she has been to us. I thanked her for being the one who made me a mom. I looked at pictures of my pregnant self and marveled at the miracle I now know that time was. Those nine months of perfect health and that flawless, empowering home birth experience. What an incredible blessing that time was! And what a gift to have her now!
And today, whenever it was just us, I worked really hard at being present for her, and for me, taking mental snapshots of my tall, talkative girl.
She knew it was a special day too. All day, she found ways to spoil me, saying "Happy Mother's Day!" each time. A handmade card, a heart sticker placed on my hand, dandelions and tulips picked from the yard, a bookmark crafted. She held my hand more today, leaned in, snuggled. But the crowning touch was the quiet twenty minutes she spent this evening, cuddled up in my lap, sucking her thumb while rubbing the corner of her yellow blanket in her other hand. In the space of those rare, peaceful, quiet moments, I don't think I heard a word of what was being said around me. It was blissful.
For the clarity, peace, and mindfulness of today, God, I give thanks.