Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'll just let the words do what they will today.

If I wished to describe to you my feelings over the past few months, many of them could be summarized with the following picture:

Or even the next one:

What I had in mind was actually a cartoon of Lucy with that dark squiggly over her head, but sadly, I couldn't find that imagined picture. Let me know if you do.

I've been spinning and spinning in my Waiting Place. Spinning in useless circles, not knowing where to go, or better yet, how to rest. I purposely didn't take on more work in the winter and spring because I knew we'd be leaving in the summer, and I figured it would be good to make myself available to Kaiya and Jeff and friends and family to help us all get ready for this change. Looking back, I may have done more of a favour to both my husband and my child if I had just worked. A happy wife = a happy life, right? Instead, I left myself with far too much time to think, process, worry, and basically just stare at the house with a building sense of overwhelm-ment as I got frustrated with all the things I couldn't do to help Jeff and help us all push forward with this move... building and finishing closets, painting trim (without it getting all over the carpet... don't worry, that didn't actually happen, and take one look at the trim in the bedroom that I taped to find out why I didn't even try), fixing the drywall in the bathroom... you get the picture. A weekly rant has become common around here: "I don't want our last summer here to be full of renovations!"

You could say that two themes in my life this past year have been giving up control and waiting. I don't like either theme very much, and you'll all be the first to know if those two themes ever change. Ever.

As items on my "Waiting List" get crossed off, I realize I'm still waiting. I'm not celebrating as much as I thought I would be. A little more excitement in my bones? Yes. Absolutely. But still waiting. You and I both know one big thing I'm waiting for, but let's save that for another post, okay? Ultimately, I know this waiting goes deeper somehow, so I keep listening, whenever the dark squiggly above my head lightens enough for me to do so.

The Waiting has made me vulnerable. I have often likened this place to the feeling of stepping off a cliff and not knowing when I'm going to land or what I'm going to land on. Or perhaps I used that analogy to describe my loss of control? Oh, one of those two. But as I was saying... I don't have answers like I used to, or thought I used to. It's hard for me to come to this space to write, even though I know the good it does. And I can't always control the waves of joy or sorrow that wash over me when I hear a certain song, or connect with a friend, or even hold a certain pose in yoga. So forgive me if the tears come unexpectedly at times, friends. At least you can be certain that I'm living life deeply. ;)

I'm trying to listen a lot more. Isn't that, somewhere deep inside, what we all desire? To be listened to? And on a deeper level, to be known? Not to be judged as good or bad or needing a little tweaking, but just to be known and loved for who we are right at that very moment? I've been hearing that Gandhi quote a lot lately, about being the change you want to see in the world. So I thought I'd start there. Cause I'm not a big fan of people putting words in my mouth or pigeonholing me, and I know how good it is when you feel that connection with a friend and you know you've truly been loved and understood. So while my attempts may not always look like much, that's something I'm really trying to do... just listen. I hope you'll humour me. :)

Sheesh, where am I going here? This post is not at all what I thought it was going to be. I mean, not even a speck. Weird. It seems I can't even control my writing these days... Ha.

The pictures I wanted to share just don't fit with all this somehow. No problem. Let's let it stand, shall we? And come back tomorrow and I'll share with you what I thought I was going to share today. (!)

Blessings on the journey...


Suzanne said...

Kathy, thank you for sharing your thoughts and emotions. This post for some reason has made me so emotional and really look at my own waiting and wondering. Strangely, I feel like I have been listened to by just reading your post. Thank you.

gypsy said...

Thank you, Suzanne. That really means a whole lot. Writing in this space has been tricky for me these past few months, and it always helps to hear someone is benefiting from reading my scattered thoughts!