Sunday, January 15, 2012

Tonight

To my faithful Niagara (and Winnipeg) followers:
(sorry for leaving out everyone else; I hope you'll understand...)

I miss you tonight. I miss the easy-breezy way we have with conversation. I miss the knowing looks, the inside jokes. I miss going to Starbucks, the Feathery, and Cat's Caboose with you. I miss the big backyard parties in the summer and the small, cozy get-togethers with blankets and tea during the winter months. I miss how we know each other. You know what pushes my buttons and I know what pushes yours. And we respect and we do our best not to judge. I miss the comfort in knowing that I don't have to impress you anymore. You like me, strangely, just the way I am. And I so miss you stopping by our place. So very much. Impromptu get-togethers that remind us how much we're loved.

But tonight, I'm missing you for Kaiya.

It's a delicate dance for me here, this blogging thing. I love writing; that much is a fact. But putting myself out there, for all to see, that's much more difficult. And being here, I have often wondered at which new path this blog will follow. I'm putting a brave face on for all of us, family and friends. It's a wonderful adventure here, full of amazing opportunity, but I'd be a full-out liar if I said it was all yippy-skippy happiness every day. There are struggles to be sure, just as there are struggles for all of you. But the distance makes those struggles trickier to explain and to navigate. I want you to know that ultimately, we're okay. Posts like this one will just make some of you sad, so that's why I simply can't do them often. I don't want to bring you down.

But tonight I miss you. I miss how you love us, and how you love Kaiya. She's turning four in just a couple days, and if we were in Niagara, there would be the "problem" of too many birthday celebrations, too much cake, too many presents. There would be grandmas and grandpas, aunties and uncles, and even more adopted aunties and uncles, all coming together to shower our girl with love. And as I lay beside her tonight, watching her fall asleep, I cried, missing all of you. Tuesday night will be quiet here, too quiet. We'll have dinner and cake and presents, but we'll miss the comings and goings of all of you. Saturday will be a happier day, with a small kids' party at the park and a pink princess cake, but Tuesday... Tuesday will be tricky.

Kaiya seems none the wiser. All she can talk about is her princess birthday cake. Every day I receive elaborate instructions from her on how to decorate it, what colour the icing should be. But my momma's heart is a little achy this week as I watch my not-so-little girl turn four, and I feel all the everything that goes along with that, and I miss the love and friendship and support of each...one...of...you.

Take care.

5 comments:

Suzanne said...

*Deep breath* Kathy, tears are swelling in my eyes as I write this, and how my heart aches with yours. Celebrations definitely make the distance seem even farther and it's hard to imagine being a part. Four years old. This is a big one. This is tough and there is no easy way to bring comfort. I will attempt by reminding you that despite the distance we are thinking no less about you and especially Kiaya this week and love you all to bits! Kisses and hugs for the Veenstras.

Tarasview said...

oh the aches of the momma-heart for our babies!

I know every time we move to a new place for my husband to start a new place of ministry I feel similar things for my kids. It is just plain hard!

*hugs* to you and a very happy birthday to your sweet princess :)

Rose said...

Although yes, it makes me sad (ie crying my eyes out), it is so good to read this type of post. I miss you too. I am going to write you a decent email, but that's not good enough. I want to just stop in and talk about it. Summer is going to be here before we know it, right?

Erika said...

four years old!! unbelievable that my little grandbabies are turning 4. i've missed all of mika's, except for this year; goin' to winterpeg and i'm so excited! it will be the first one i miss for kaiya and that will be hard! living with the comings and goings of loved ones comes with so many mixed feelings.

you should plan a huge skype party; remember the group one we had unexpectedly? what would it mean for you to plan that? check it out and i'm sure we'll all be happy to join you. love you lots and miss you too. xxxxoooo

James said...

Happy Birthday Kaiya! Never stop being you. We love you just the way you are.