Thursday, September 13, 2012

It's September, Isn't It?

Last weekend I felt "the pang." I didn't mean to. It was totally subconscious. But as I watched my daughter walk alone to the kiddie pool, jump in, and entertain herself, the pang came. That's what I had come to call it in the past year... anytime I needed a word to refer to the dull ache inside my chest, the ache for the missing sibling, the sigh, always under my breath of "I'm sorry, hon, we always meant for you to have a playmate." There it was. The pang.

And then I shook my head - literally - looked down at my ever-growing belly, and realized I hadn't felt the pang since sometime in May. Sometime when that dull ache was replaced by complete shock, surprise, a good dose of fear, and every now and then, awestruck joy.

We are not there yet. We still have half a pregnancy to go. And I am, as a friend coined this summer, "allergic to hope." My side of the family is not generally known for its sparkling optimism. ;) But an ultrasound this week, and a completely healthy pregnancy so far, have made me realize there is a very good chance this is really going to happen. Kaiya may very well soon have a sibling.

I don't know what we would have done if our surprise in May hadn't come about. We have both always stubbornly held to the dream of having more than one child. This past year had been a year of shelving that dream. We had, on and off, discussed returning to fertility treatments or looking into adoption, but neither option felt right. So for the remainder of the year we had decided to simply cool it. Year 1 of adjusting to life in Qatar was plenty enough to have on our plates, thank you very much. The decision was made to re-visit "the talk" in September.

And here we are. It's September. And as I write, my ipad is propped neatly on a pillow which is propped neatly against my bulging belly. I'm still slightly in shock. But mostly, I'm feeling incredibly, indescribably BLESSED. Like, serious tears in my eyes blessed. Year 2 is being so good to us here. A whole year of wondering if we had made the right decision to come here, and now here we are, and life is being so good. So very good. It's as Jeff said back in May, "I think, maybe, just maybe, the universe is beginning to conspire FOR us again."

I look back, over the past few years, and I see the connections, see how it all fits together. And I'm just thankful.


kooki said...

The world is always conspiring for us, it just sometimes takes a path we don't recognize because no one else has been there before. It's a rocky path, that one. So happy for you and your family. And I do hope the path has opened out into a meadow with a stream gurgling by and a really large, gnarled tree perfect for sitting in.

Larissa said...

I think the fact that you both stubbornly held onto your dream shows that your allergy to hope is a superficial one.
My heart is so very glad for you guys.

Suzanne said...

This is such a delight to read and I am so happy that this year is looking up for you. How amazingly wonderful. And I must admit, your beautiful belly doesn't seem real to me yet either. I think I'll need to see your new little one in person to actually know it is real. Love you Kath.

Rose said...

Yay! Thank you universe!